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I've been having a reoccuring, and relatively scary, thought fairly often for a little over the past month ...
No, not 'How the hell am I going to make it another year and a half?' or 'I can't wait to get out of Mississippi!'
Time and again, moments have made me stop and think to myself, 'I don't know how, or if, I'm going to be able to leave after my two years are up.'
Friday, November 17, 2006
Friday, November 10, 2006
When the smoke clears
So, I just killed about an hour getting caught up on my world news and book-marking articles and photo-essays on Uganda and China that I hope my students who are writing to pen pals in those countries will find interesting, and now … I blog.
Where to start ... The last time I wrote, I was pretty frustrated about a lot of things, both school and life-related, some within my control and some external to anything I should be worrying over … from breaking up bloody lunchroom brawls to, well, breaking up, from ridiculous recommendations that I be suspended without pay for insubordination to students who seem to not care about themselves nor anyone else and from our house being foreclosed, forcing us to move everything almost overnight, to pervasive prejudice and incompetance.
It’s gotten better. Like the dry dust billowing out, for weeks on end, from under the wheels of all the heavy machinery eating up the fields yield during the previous months’ cotton harvesting, I’ve since settled. My classroom management in all but one class has been fairly smooth as of late, and that one class is definitely manageable.
What’s been the difference? I didn’t give up, and I didn’t give in. I’ve gotten better and adapted to the situation rather than trying to fight it. I’ve found out what works, and what doesn’t … for me. It’s different for everyone. Football has ended and "Richard" has moved to Indiana, so I no longer have more hours to spend at the school, after school, nor an extra hour tacked onto my commute every day. More significant, though, are the relationships I’ve manage to forge and how they’ve drastically changed the dynamics of my class. Students that were initially problems bigger than I thought I could handle, will now do just about anything I ask. Kids know they can joke around with me and confide in me, are willing to be themselves, but realize also that I mean business when I ask them to get something done. If you know me at all, you know I’m a sap … but I fill up every time one of those students I formerly cursed the hell out of, both silently under my breath and in the confidential company of friends, comes into class with a smile asking, “Can I read first today Mr. D?” … I remember, weeks or months ago, when I was glad if that same student simply slept all period. At least that way they weren’t bothering anyone else. In addition, I’m more prepared. Due to having more time, but, more than that, again, figuring out what works and what doesn’t work … while realizing what work I need to do, and what work I don’t. Some individuals still make our lives harder than they need to be, via prejudice, ignorance or incompetance (or a medley of the three) - to say it nicely since I’m in a good mood … and it is Friday … while others follow suit. But, just as I ask my students to ignore negativity, deal with it maturely, and focus on themselves and their task at hand … I’ve got to take the discrimination in stride and work around it. Mind over matter, lol ...
In the post office the other day, I bumped into one of my favorite students with his mother. I recommended "Barry" be taken out of my class early in the year after he scored off the charts on some pre-assessment reading exams. Naturally, he loves to read. He’s amazingly gifted, but incredibly apathetic. Probably my brightest student, "Barry" was failing my class and most of his others. He skipped often, was suspended often, hated any sort of authority figure who told him what to do, even if he knew it was in his best interest, and rarely applied himself. I thought maybe getting into the honors course, since he had never been in one before (most of his previous teachers have given up on him because of his behavior, despite his talents), would be an impetus for him to start taking school a little more seriously – and he was, at first. All I know of his family is that his stepfather routinely beats him and that "Barry" was arrested early first semester for taken a gun to this man after one such beating. Not using it, but threatening to until pulled off by others. I don’t know if I should feel this way, but hearing that almost made me proud. He at least stood up for himself, and was smart enough to not make a mistake he can’t take back. On two occasions, I skipped football practice to stay after school and talk to "Barry" and his cousin, "Marshall" (a relatively smart kid as well, but complete wild card), about life, theirs and mine, and dispense some advice … I know, who the hell am I to give advice to this kid? I often have that very thought, but I haven’t yet pulled back once when given the opportunity to try and reason with a kid struggling one way or the other. But "Barry" scares me, not only with what he might do … but more so, what he probably won’t do. He dropped out of school about a week ago, and tells me he’ll be back but I doubt it. I laid into him in the post office, it being the first time I had seen him since he dropped out even though he had told me prior that he was planning on it, not in a condescending or negative way … but I cared about him goddamn it and it pissed me off to see him throwing away so much, so easily. He laughed a little, gave me a hug when I gave him my number, and said he was going to join Job Corps (I’m not even sure what that is, but I told him that’d probably be a good idea) … afterwards, a small old woman who was standing near us in line came over to me and told me that what I had just said “to that young man”, all my loud cursing and ranting in public, was the nicest thing she has ever heard someone say. She was a retired teacher at my school.
I need to stop. I’m sitting in a dark classroom, the sun having set in the time it took me to finish this blog and ‘Meet the Rams’ for basketball season is set to kick off in about 15 minutes in the gym. Then it’s the long, dark drive to Oxford.
But, it’s basketball season, I recently spent an entire night on the phone and then, inspired, with a pen and some paper, our new house is beautiful and we have internet. And I’ve just started sentences with but and and, and I don’t give a ….
To other English teachers in the Delta, don’t teach Old Man in the Sea. The only thing that keeps my kids awake, save from my stunning renditions of oral Hemingway, is the fact that I promised to bring in sushi (‘cause Santiago eats raw fish, which led to one of my numerous daily in class transgressions) when he finally catches the damn marlin.
Peanut Butter Cups for dinner, and I’m off to catch the fever.
* Had to add a little on ...
first - this last week before Thanksgiving has been insane! Tornado warnings leading to well over half the school being absent (lost day), a series of large fights broke out one day causing the school to be locked down until 3:30 (lost day), the police department searching every student and locker the day after the 'riots' so we all pretty much just chilled in the gym (lost day), and i got socked by a fifteen year-old girl ... aaaaand she was back in school the next day. Yes, I still love the kids ... and teaching, for the most part.
second - the assignment. How has my classroom management plan changed from prior to the school year? Completely, but in small ways. The basic premise of my plan is the same, but every aspect of it has had to be altered in some fasion as I realized what was working, and what wasn't. There simply is no way to plan ahead - you just need to do it and find out as you go. What works for one person, may not for another ... and what works in one school, may not in another. No amount of well-intentioned advice in advance can prepare you for the curveballs, fastballs, and change-ups you'll get on a daily basis in the classroom ... Having second-years in the school system is a tremendous help, since they've done it before and have figured out a lot of the minutiae ... and tend to be very helpful with advice rather than condescending, uninterested or overly critical. Some veteran teachers tend not to be much help at all - either being terrible teachers themselves (so you don't want to model their management), using unorthodox methods that don't appeal or aren't even available to you (paddle, for one), don't understand your questions or you can't understand their answer, they haven't got an answer and just make something up, or will do all they can to avoid interacting with you at all in the first place as if communication equals contagion.
[Ok, ok .... so that ruffles some feathers. Good. A former employer of mine used to always say,"if it doesn't apply, let it fly" .... if your ears are getting warm, and you're getting defensive, I guess it's for a reason. What I'm trying to say is we can ALL become better teachers with one another's help - myself definitely included. And I'm trying, no thanks to many others. I ask questions, and the faces or responses I often get are toxic (far from helpful). I say hello in the halls and often I'm not even acknowledged. And not just by other teachers. In fact, mostly not. If you don't agree, please, prove me wrong - I would like nothing better (but save the patronization). This has happened since August ... since August we get ignored, ridiculed, and looked down upon by supposed "professionals". If you're so great and you love the kids, you should be dying to help us be the best we can be - to make OUR school the best that it can be! I am in no way rescinding what I said above (it isn't even all bad - half of those scenarios are negative towards me) ... there is a distinctive rift between most "veteran" staff and newbies. In my opinion. Those here for an extended period of time tend to look at us as haughty know-it-alls from day one, down here for our two years and off without a second thought. We're labeled, as a group, before anyone takes the time to get to know us, as individuals. And take a look around - do you have a better alternative? I'm not saying the lack of stability is a good thing - it's terrible, but we do our best and I think that's a pretty good job for the most part. With patience and support we could do even better. At my school, there is a pervasive "us" vs "them" mentality, and sure, it goes both ways to some degree. But what do you expect when from day one we come in feeling unwelcomed, undermined and unappreciated - placed at a level barely above the kids, or below by some, and not as equals. Shit, it's our first goddamn year doing this - why hate and belittle?! We're trying dammit ... we wouldn't be here if we didn't care. If you have a gripe with the education system, or you yourself feel undervalued and overwhelmed then don't take it out on us, Napolean. We can all give each other plenty of constructive cricism. We're all working toward the same goal, aren't we? I commend you all for doing what you're doing. Maybe that's my problem, I didn't give enough props. Well ... high five. I mean it. It's not easy and you've stuck it out probably longer than most of us will. Kudos to you. But do you really need, or care about, my approval? Is that why you're doing this, to be congratulated and commended? I hope not. And if you are going to read my blog - one, realize it's my perspective only that I'm presenting. Any reader with a brain larger than a peanut should realize that and not get their panties in a bunch. I am in no way an authority on anything but my own opinions, which, heavan forbid, might be different than your own. That's why they're opinions. If you disagree with them, talk to me about it. That's one thing I sure love doing, talking. In person. Two, read the whole thing. Or, shit, like I said, discuss away. Then maybe you'll realize where I'm coming from a helluva lot better than I can explain on here, and vice versa. I do this, blog, because I have to, for class, and so my mother and a few friends can get a feel for how I'm doing. That's all. Start your own blog if you'd like - it can be very therapeutic. And finally, there has in fact been a very minimal number of consistently helpful staff, and I'm sure there are some great teachers at our school that I haven't had the opportunity of crossing paths with much yet ... again, what I write is from my experience only - which is, naturally, limited. So chill the hell out, smile a little more often, and have a Merry Christmas.]
And I'm sure next year I'll change up quite a bit as well ... actually, one good thing our methods prof has said - be fluid and flexible from year to year and do not allow yourself to become stagnant. I hope I can keep an open mind my entire life, be that teaching or whatever endeavor I pursue. I like the challenge - keeps me on my toes.
Ok, nuff said. Think I might take a shower ... its been a while.
Where to start ... The last time I wrote, I was pretty frustrated about a lot of things, both school and life-related, some within my control and some external to anything I should be worrying over … from breaking up bloody lunchroom brawls to, well, breaking up, from ridiculous recommendations that I be suspended without pay for insubordination to students who seem to not care about themselves nor anyone else and from our house being foreclosed, forcing us to move everything almost overnight, to pervasive prejudice and incompetance.
It’s gotten better. Like the dry dust billowing out, for weeks on end, from under the wheels of all the heavy machinery eating up the fields yield during the previous months’ cotton harvesting, I’ve since settled. My classroom management in all but one class has been fairly smooth as of late, and that one class is definitely manageable.
What’s been the difference? I didn’t give up, and I didn’t give in. I’ve gotten better and adapted to the situation rather than trying to fight it. I’ve found out what works, and what doesn’t … for me. It’s different for everyone. Football has ended and "Richard" has moved to Indiana, so I no longer have more hours to spend at the school, after school, nor an extra hour tacked onto my commute every day. More significant, though, are the relationships I’ve manage to forge and how they’ve drastically changed the dynamics of my class. Students that were initially problems bigger than I thought I could handle, will now do just about anything I ask. Kids know they can joke around with me and confide in me, are willing to be themselves, but realize also that I mean business when I ask them to get something done. If you know me at all, you know I’m a sap … but I fill up every time one of those students I formerly cursed the hell out of, both silently under my breath and in the confidential company of friends, comes into class with a smile asking, “Can I read first today Mr. D?” … I remember, weeks or months ago, when I was glad if that same student simply slept all period. At least that way they weren’t bothering anyone else. In addition, I’m more prepared. Due to having more time, but, more than that, again, figuring out what works and what doesn’t work … while realizing what work I need to do, and what work I don’t. Some individuals still make our lives harder than they need to be, via prejudice, ignorance or incompetance (or a medley of the three) - to say it nicely since I’m in a good mood … and it is Friday … while others follow suit. But, just as I ask my students to ignore negativity, deal with it maturely, and focus on themselves and their task at hand … I’ve got to take the discrimination in stride and work around it. Mind over matter, lol ...
In the post office the other day, I bumped into one of my favorite students with his mother. I recommended "Barry" be taken out of my class early in the year after he scored off the charts on some pre-assessment reading exams. Naturally, he loves to read. He’s amazingly gifted, but incredibly apathetic. Probably my brightest student, "Barry" was failing my class and most of his others. He skipped often, was suspended often, hated any sort of authority figure who told him what to do, even if he knew it was in his best interest, and rarely applied himself. I thought maybe getting into the honors course, since he had never been in one before (most of his previous teachers have given up on him because of his behavior, despite his talents), would be an impetus for him to start taking school a little more seriously – and he was, at first. All I know of his family is that his stepfather routinely beats him and that "Barry" was arrested early first semester for taken a gun to this man after one such beating. Not using it, but threatening to until pulled off by others. I don’t know if I should feel this way, but hearing that almost made me proud. He at least stood up for himself, and was smart enough to not make a mistake he can’t take back. On two occasions, I skipped football practice to stay after school and talk to "Barry" and his cousin, "Marshall" (a relatively smart kid as well, but complete wild card), about life, theirs and mine, and dispense some advice … I know, who the hell am I to give advice to this kid? I often have that very thought, but I haven’t yet pulled back once when given the opportunity to try and reason with a kid struggling one way or the other. But "Barry" scares me, not only with what he might do … but more so, what he probably won’t do. He dropped out of school about a week ago, and tells me he’ll be back but I doubt it. I laid into him in the post office, it being the first time I had seen him since he dropped out even though he had told me prior that he was planning on it, not in a condescending or negative way … but I cared about him goddamn it and it pissed me off to see him throwing away so much, so easily. He laughed a little, gave me a hug when I gave him my number, and said he was going to join Job Corps (I’m not even sure what that is, but I told him that’d probably be a good idea) … afterwards, a small old woman who was standing near us in line came over to me and told me that what I had just said “to that young man”, all my loud cursing and ranting in public, was the nicest thing she has ever heard someone say. She was a retired teacher at my school.
I need to stop. I’m sitting in a dark classroom, the sun having set in the time it took me to finish this blog and ‘Meet the Rams’ for basketball season is set to kick off in about 15 minutes in the gym. Then it’s the long, dark drive to Oxford.
But, it’s basketball season, I recently spent an entire night on the phone and then, inspired, with a pen and some paper, our new house is beautiful and we have internet. And I’ve just started sentences with but and and, and I don’t give a ….
To other English teachers in the Delta, don’t teach Old Man in the Sea. The only thing that keeps my kids awake, save from my stunning renditions of oral Hemingway, is the fact that I promised to bring in sushi (‘cause Santiago eats raw fish, which led to one of my numerous daily in class transgressions) when he finally catches the damn marlin.
Peanut Butter Cups for dinner, and I’m off to catch the fever.
* Had to add a little on ...
first - this last week before Thanksgiving has been insane! Tornado warnings leading to well over half the school being absent (lost day), a series of large fights broke out one day causing the school to be locked down until 3:30 (lost day), the police department searching every student and locker the day after the 'riots' so we all pretty much just chilled in the gym (lost day), and i got socked by a fifteen year-old girl ... aaaaand she was back in school the next day. Yes, I still love the kids ... and teaching, for the most part.
second - the assignment. How has my classroom management plan changed from prior to the school year? Completely, but in small ways. The basic premise of my plan is the same, but every aspect of it has had to be altered in some fasion as I realized what was working, and what wasn't. There simply is no way to plan ahead - you just need to do it and find out as you go. What works for one person, may not for another ... and what works in one school, may not in another. No amount of well-intentioned advice in advance can prepare you for the curveballs, fastballs, and change-ups you'll get on a daily basis in the classroom ... Having second-years in the school system is a tremendous help, since they've done it before and have figured out a lot of the minutiae ... and tend to be very helpful with advice rather than condescending, uninterested or overly critical. Some veteran teachers tend not to be much help at all - either being terrible teachers themselves (so you don't want to model their management), using unorthodox methods that don't appeal or aren't even available to you (paddle, for one), don't understand your questions or you can't understand their answer, they haven't got an answer and just make something up, or will do all they can to avoid interacting with you at all in the first place as if communication equals contagion.
[Ok, ok .... so that ruffles some feathers. Good. A former employer of mine used to always say,"if it doesn't apply, let it fly" .... if your ears are getting warm, and you're getting defensive, I guess it's for a reason. What I'm trying to say is we can ALL become better teachers with one another's help - myself definitely included. And I'm trying, no thanks to many others. I ask questions, and the faces or responses I often get are toxic (far from helpful). I say hello in the halls and often I'm not even acknowledged. And not just by other teachers. In fact, mostly not. If you don't agree, please, prove me wrong - I would like nothing better (but save the patronization). This has happened since August ... since August we get ignored, ridiculed, and looked down upon by supposed "professionals". If you're so great and you love the kids, you should be dying to help us be the best we can be - to make OUR school the best that it can be! I am in no way rescinding what I said above (it isn't even all bad - half of those scenarios are negative towards me) ... there is a distinctive rift between most "veteran" staff and newbies. In my opinion. Those here for an extended period of time tend to look at us as haughty know-it-alls from day one, down here for our two years and off without a second thought. We're labeled, as a group, before anyone takes the time to get to know us, as individuals. And take a look around - do you have a better alternative? I'm not saying the lack of stability is a good thing - it's terrible, but we do our best and I think that's a pretty good job for the most part. With patience and support we could do even better. At my school, there is a pervasive "us" vs "them" mentality, and sure, it goes both ways to some degree. But what do you expect when from day one we come in feeling unwelcomed, undermined and unappreciated - placed at a level barely above the kids, or below by some, and not as equals. Shit, it's our first goddamn year doing this - why hate and belittle?! We're trying dammit ... we wouldn't be here if we didn't care. If you have a gripe with the education system, or you yourself feel undervalued and overwhelmed then don't take it out on us, Napolean. We can all give each other plenty of constructive cricism. We're all working toward the same goal, aren't we? I commend you all for doing what you're doing. Maybe that's my problem, I didn't give enough props. Well ... high five. I mean it. It's not easy and you've stuck it out probably longer than most of us will. Kudos to you. But do you really need, or care about, my approval? Is that why you're doing this, to be congratulated and commended? I hope not. And if you are going to read my blog - one, realize it's my perspective only that I'm presenting. Any reader with a brain larger than a peanut should realize that and not get their panties in a bunch. I am in no way an authority on anything but my own opinions, which, heavan forbid, might be different than your own. That's why they're opinions. If you disagree with them, talk to me about it. That's one thing I sure love doing, talking. In person. Two, read the whole thing. Or, shit, like I said, discuss away. Then maybe you'll realize where I'm coming from a helluva lot better than I can explain on here, and vice versa. I do this, blog, because I have to, for class, and so my mother and a few friends can get a feel for how I'm doing. That's all. Start your own blog if you'd like - it can be very therapeutic. And finally, there has in fact been a very minimal number of consistently helpful staff, and I'm sure there are some great teachers at our school that I haven't had the opportunity of crossing paths with much yet ... again, what I write is from my experience only - which is, naturally, limited. So chill the hell out, smile a little more often, and have a Merry Christmas.]
And I'm sure next year I'll change up quite a bit as well ... actually, one good thing our methods prof has said - be fluid and flexible from year to year and do not allow yourself to become stagnant. I hope I can keep an open mind my entire life, be that teaching or whatever endeavor I pursue. I like the challenge - keeps me on my toes.
Ok, nuff said. Think I might take a shower ... its been a while.
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