China King

I'm going to save most of my end of the year reflection for my next post, because I would like to piggy-back onto my last post before I follow the crumbs I dropped all the way back to August 1.

But first, the school year has ended; it feels so good to say that. It's been a long year, but it's gone by quickly. The year has been filled with apparent paradoxes, so what better way to describe it than one giant mix of uncomfortable juxtapositions. There were times I wanted to quit. Never seriously, but I had my moments of sitting alone in my room with all the lights off in the early hours of a weekday morning with work still hounding me and my sense of self-satisfaction buried under caffeine, deadlines and failed commitments. I didn't feel like I was accomplishing anything, aside from allowing myself to get consistently overwhelmed, behind in work and frustrated. But I loved my kids; I hated the way they acted sometimes, or didn't act - "real talk, Mr. Doyle", but I never stopped loving them. That love grew deeper and took root as the year progressed, which made it all the more frustrating and the guilt that much sharper when I felt like I was failing them or at a loss for ways to help them succeed. Despite all of that, I was able to make connections and encourage relationships that went beyond the blackboard with a good number of my students.

So, to continue the ramble in my previous blog, I met up with a few students yesterday afternoon at China King. School has been out for a week now, and I've bumped into some of them at Sunflower getting groceries or in WalMart and brought up the lunch idea. I called about 10-12, but was only able to reach half that many due to disconnections and terminated phone plans. It sunk in just how difficult it'd be to keep in touch with some of my students, with numbers and residences changing so often. I had my phone number on the board all week, so hopefully a few take me up on keeping in touch. There ended up being six of us present to suck down all the egg-drop soup and chicken fingers you can eat. Once the discussion moved past whether or not some asians eat animals that are commonly pets or pests domestically, we began in on their plans, and goals and paths to reaching them. We talked about the emphasis on race and existence of racism in their lives, and throughout the country/world, and why things might be the way they are. At times we shouted trying to make a point, drawing attention from white and black diners around us, not caring who heard what we had to say aside from each other. These were some of my favorite kids - QR, BW, LT, DF and AA - and it was incredible to see them think these problems through, to really not just look at me, but into me, both when I spoke and when they spoke to one another. If only I could do this with all the kids, and more often. If only their classes were smaller. It seems so obvious, that if we ever expect to reach true equality, in public educational offerings at least, there needs to be inequal funding - with those in need getting MORE aid and not less than schools in more supportive communities that have other means of providing for their children's "education", in all its meanings. I teared up more than once during lunch, especially when we started to talk about how I was not coming back next year. And I pulled a few tears from their stoic grins, too.

I could have sat there all afternoon, as it was we were there for two hours, but I started to sense that they all had other things to do when the cell phones came out and texting commenced. DF and AA asked if I could drop off some books at their homes some time this summer, BW's big barrel-chested father asked if I could help him learn how to read, between swigs of Budweiser, while I was dropping her off (he drives trucks and never graduated from high school) and LT will definitely hear from me before his trip to Canada with his Earthwatch research team in two weeks. There are so many others I wish I could have talked to, saw at least once more, and its finally settling in that there are so many I won't be seeing again no matter how much I'd like to. I'm excited about next year, but these kids have a way of affecting you. I guess, its not just that they are kids and dependent on us all for so much, but I've never been in a situation where I was around so many of the same individuals consistently for so much time ... well, at least not since I was in high school myself. In college you have your core friends, while everything else is in semi-constant flux, and they are people who obviously affect you. College was longer for my than most, and towards the end, more reclusive. There is no place to hide in the classroom, sans not going - a choice I made too often this past year - and you are completely exposed to the critical eyes of so many judgmental little Caeser's, much more likely to condemn you than to spare you from the lions. It's so much more fun to watch the lame teacher squirm in the powerful grips of a wild animal.

I guess this did become a bit of a reflection, but I do have a lot more to say and am without the motivation at the moment to do justice to the emotions I've felt, and still feel, throughout all the cumulative experiences of the past year. I fell asleep on the couch in our sunroom again, and am starting to enjoy waking up with the sun and the birds. First day of MTC in Oxford is tomorrow, which will be a nice change - I'm looking forward to being more of a supervisor this summer and having time to prepare for twelth grade English and Drama next year in Moss Point, as well as help the new class of teachers as much as I can ... and, as well as falling asleep to the fireflies, waking up to the pink reflection in Sardis Lake and bathing with the dawn. Will be a busy month, with the play scheduled for the third week in June necessitating commutes back to Indianola nearly every other day for rehearsal.